FORGIVE YOURSELF!
I have been fairly quite this week. I wasn't in good space. I had not only disappointed a great friend( my spiritual bestie) but also took myself back to the day my late Mamma uttered: YOU HAD DISSAPOINTED ME REAL BAD. that was like a knife through my heart, I didn't bleed but it hurt so bad moments with my great friends I didn't enjoy, jokes wasn't funny. I remember hating myself and I was disgusted at my being.
well the passed week wasn't different at all. I know I am a forgiving person. I had disappointed an undeserving soul so bad(doubt anybody deserves to be disappointed). I was selfish and impulsive. I had good intentions only: intentions to help! the mistake was, doing that at the expense of someone else. I remember deciding not to go out or even answer my phone, I remember being so hard on myself and not forgiving myself. I remember thinking God is looking at me and thinks: "Gift, you know the truth, don't tell me you expect forgiveness from me." Well I said down on my knees and cried, I prayed for forgiveness. I still didn't believe that God would forgive me. I remember my friend saying: "I don't want to have a thing to do with you! you better sort this out for your own sake". those words were profound. I had asked God: " Father, who has the authority to make my lil room turn into a cubicle for me? God never replied....
I obviously suffer the consequences and express great remorse. I realized some people we disappoint, and we all make stupid big mistakes and I cant forgive myself for what I have done. I had realized that the secret wasn't forgiveness from any to make me smile, but from that of myself. Gift had to forgive himself. I did and I am better.
I passed the cemetery this morning: I saw graves only. no eagles or trees. Just homes to the dead. I realized, Gift the worst thing that could possibly happen to any person was death. I only than realized that my time to die is unknown and because of that I will continue learning, embracing and loving my fellow. I have disappointed. I am sorry. but yes, I will live and still see that smile of mine
I do still write: life is only over till you don't see that beautiful smile of yours:-)
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